REVIEW: THE ATTACK OF THE SUPER MONSTERS
REVIEW: TOM WEINER [ 1982 ] 83'
REVIEW: ASSOCIATES ENTERTAINMENT INTERNATIONAL
CAST: CAM CLARK, ROBIN LEVENSON
CAST: JOE PERRY, MICHAEL REYNOLDS
PERSONAL RATING:
CRITICAL RATING:
WTF-FILMOMETER: Action, drama, and a Christmassy shemale elf . . . what more could one ask for?

There's a strange sad story behind THE ATTACK OF THE SUPER MONSTERS - the movie that isn't a movie - and WTFFILM has no problem with telling it.

The strange part of the story involves Tsuburaya Productions, the studio originally helmed by Eiji Tsuburaya (of GOJIRA [1954] fame) and creators of such offbeat wonders as Ultraman and and THE LAST DINOSAUR [1977]. Having toyed around with live action super-hero shows for years, the decision was made somewhere along the line to try something weirdly new. The resulting combination of eye-popping low budget suitmation, Thunderbirds-esque mecha action, and anime became the 'lost' television wonder GREAT DINOSAUR WAR IZENBORG [KYORYU DAISENSO AIZENBOGU]. To the best of my knowledge the show was never released stateside in its original form but did see release in Europe and the middle east - the Italian version even features a newly written, awesomely cool, and utterly addictive funk theme song ( HEAR IT HERE and the END CREDITS HERE).

The show premiered on Japanese television in 1977 (a glorious year in motion picture and television history as far as WTFFILM is concerned) and ran for 39 episodes. The basic plot centered around brother-and-sister cyborgs Zen and Ai and their friends as they battle the unleashed dinosaur forces of an evil ruler from beyond the stars. Featuring off the wall tokusatsu action in enough quantity to give competing shows a run for their money, it's a real pity that the rest of the story is so sad.

Since 1977 it seems that GREAT DINOSAUR WAR IZENBORG hasn't seen the light of day (though I suspect it's run on television in Japan and elsewhere every now and again in syndication). Arabic and Italian language episodes are the only that WTFFILM has been able to procure and, to the best of my knowledge, no Japanese DVD release of the series is pending. Given the show's history, a US release seems all the more unlikely in the reasonable future - the few stray clips to be found online may be all there is available of the show for some time.

In spite of all this, GREAT DINOSAUR WAR IZENBORG did make its way to US shores in the guise of the movie that is not a movie that is being reviewed here today.

In the far-off year 2000 and after millions of years of living more-or-less peaceably at the center of the Earth, highly evolved dinosaurs (looking remarkably as a six year old might expect and accept, but possessing what is purported to be super-human intellect) have opted to take the world for their own once more. Through a goodly amount of expository narration - the kind where the narrator doesn't so much offer you useful information as projectile vomit it in your direction - we learn that only the Gemini Command, headed by Jim (dude) and Gem (dudette) Starbuck, are capable of stopping the imminent onslaught of dinosaur-oriented terror.

Leading the dinosaurs is the mighty Tyrannus - otherwise known as "that suit from THE LAST DINOSAUR only with red lights in its eyes" - who takes it upon himself to repeat stupid bad-guy catch phrases and hypnotize other perfectly honorable dinosaurs into being his puppets (pun intended). His first order of business is to send a poorly constructed and portly Tyrannosaurus to the surface of the earth so that he can use lasers shot from his eyes to possess pet dogs and send them to attack the pitiful earthlings. Why send out itty bitty dogs to do your dirty work when you have angry dinosaurs the size of skyscrapers at your beck and call, you ask? This reviewer hasn't the slightest idea.

After some amusing animated monster-dog hi-jinks, the Gemini Command is sent to deal with the situation. At their fingertips is the absolute latest in toy technology - a huge but generally useless flying cargo ship and a slightly more useful battle-tank. The latter has an annoying tendency to split in two, leaving Jim and Gem in control of the weaponized front portion while their ambiguously gay sidekicks Jerry and Wallace pilot the back half, which happens to be a flying bulldozer/fire truck.

Using lasers and missiles and ultra-sonic radiation and stuff, the dogs are contained and the rampaging fire-breathing Tyrannosaurus is cornered. The missiles and lasers and ultra-sonic radiation and stuff don't work as well as one would have hoped, so Jim and Gem take it upon themselves to, via crude animation, combine their forces into the form of "one entity of super-human intelligence and power" - some sort of shemale elf-thing whose images is only enhanced by a set of green and red tights. This transformation also effects their previously land-based ship, which promptly and inexplicably changes into a flying contraption complete with drill-bit nose and wings tipped with circular saws.

The saw blade wing tips come in handy when dealing with the Tyrannosaurus proper - it isn't long before his head is lopped off, leaving his lifeless remains to spontaneously explode in the city (what city is never made clear) center. Jerry and Wallace put out the fires with their flying bulldozer/fire truck, Jim and Gem stop being weird, and the group heads back to base to wait for the dinosaurs' next move.

The second cannibalized episode of which this movie that is not a movie is comprised involves an incredulously humongous pteranodon (also fire-breathing, in case that matters) who controls a motley coalition of yellow rubber bats. These furry creatures are brought to life, for lack of better words, by off-screen technicians suspending and jiggling them on bits of string. There is no flapping - only jiggling. After devouring a couple of unlucky spelunkers and turning them from cartoon people to model people remains (a truly bizarre continuity shift), the bats head off to "the city", where the president (of where? We don't know) is meeting with the Gemini Command's head scientist.

Needless to say, the Gemini Command shows up, complete with highly unlikely anti-bat technology, and kill the commanding pteranodon (which promptly explodes, of course). Another job well done. The following episode has the team dealing with a retarded stegosaurus that commands rats by, no shit, wiggling its spines as well as coming to terms with their personal conflict over a pink blouse. The stegosaurus and rats attack a refinery, Jim beats his sister, and the Gemini Command saves the day, leaving only an exploding stegosaurus in their wake. The concluding adventure is pretty lame in comparison to the ones before it and revolves around a mis-nomered styrakosaurus being used as a distraction while a radiation-spewing monster (the Tyrannosaurus from earlier only with longer arms tacked on) goes on a rampage. The Gemini Command is there again, this time leaving two spontaneously exploding dinosaurs behind.

And that is where the movie that is not a movie ends - those expecting something of a conclusion to the storyline so heartily espoused in the opening will be sorely disappointed.

If online sources are to be believed (I have no way to verify as of yet, but will alter the review if necessary later on) then THE ATTACK OF THE SUPER MONSTERS is compiled from the first four episodes of GREAT DINOSAUR WAR IZENBORG. The 83 minute exercise in retardedly delicious action was pieced together by none other than Tom Wyner (humorously credited here as Tom Weiner), a voice actor of some renown who also earned his paycheck as the narrator of the effort. This was an early project for most involved, including Wyner, and most of the vocal cast would go on to play in English dubbings of a multitude of shows for some time to come.

It's difficult to judge a movie that's nothing more than a bastardization of a few episodes of a Japanese television show and, regardless of how utterly ridiculously idiotic the end result is, I can't bring myself to be too harsh on it. THE ATTACK OF THE SUPER MONSTERS possesses absolutely nothing of any critical worth, but the over-the-top sci-fi action and failed attempt at merging live action and animation (think WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT if the cell animation had been farmed out to a group of kindergartners) that makes the source show so amusing keeps things from ever being boring on this straight-to-video effort as well.

WTFFILM can't remember this ever airing on television, though it very well may have in the final years of UHF, but, much to Tsuburaya Productions' chagrin I'm sure, it has become a staple of no-rights video releases since it first reared its ugly head in 1982. WTFFILM doesn't recommend purchasing any of them (or the most probably illegal R1 DVD release), as it is available for free via a number of download sites.

Those expecting a meaningful and substantive motion picture should most definitely stear clear (why are you reading a review for something entitled THE ATTACK OF THE SUPER MONSTERS anyway??), but those on the lookout for low rent tokusatsu action should look no further. Kids will love it, I suspect - I know I did.

WTFFILM recommends.