REVIEW: FESHEATER
REVIEW: ZOMBIE NOSH
REVIEW: REVENGE OF THE LIVING ZOMBIES
REVIEW: BILL HINZMAN [ 1988 ] 88'
REVIEW: H&G FILMS LTD.
CAST: BILL HINZMAN, JOHN MOWOD,
CAST: LESLIE ANN WICK, KEVIN KINDLIN
WTFFILM RATING:
CRITICAL RATING:
WTF-FILMOMETER: DISGUSTINGLY UNORIGINAL

GIRL: Hey, why don't you ever kiss me like that?

BOY: Maybe if you had tits like her I would.

These are but two of the thought provoking lines of dialogue that await you in what may be the most inept excuse for a horror film ever committed to stock. It's safe to say that George Romero's 1968 film NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD completely revolutionized the manner in which horror films are both made and viewed. It's stark realism and graphic violence shocked audiences at the time of its initial theatrical release and still has the power to shock today. There's also no doubt that the director of the film in question at this moment - Bill Hinzman - took part in the production of that seminal horror milestone.

Hinzman was an assistant camera operator on Romero's film, but most will remember him fondly as the cometary zombie at the beginning of it. His performance may have horrified audiences at the time as he tossed bricks at windows and pursued poor Barbara across the countryside, but if FLESHEATER is any indication then his talents suffered quite incredibly in the 20 years that elapsed between the two films. Hinzman takes full or partial credit for writing, starring in, producing, editing, filming, and directing this go around. Some directors have managed to pull of such feats in the past (Alejandro Jodorowsky is a notable example), but it becomes clear quite early on that Hinzman simply isn't up to the challenge.

A group of horny drunken teenagers head into the forest via tractor ride for some Halloween night celebration. Meanwhile, a farmer uncovers a crappily constructed grave on his property, opens it, finds Bill Hinzman, and is promptly killed. The teenagers drink, say stupid stuff, and run off into barns to talk about themselves and get laid. Hinzman kills several of them outright and injures another. The survivors hide in a farmhouse and are pretty quickly dispatched with as well. Hinzman soon makes his way into town, where Halloween preparations are shown to be in full swing (an entire household of three is getting ready), where he attacks people at random.

Soon there are more teenagers, lots of crappy special effects, considerable amounts of completely unerotic nudity, and even a posse of incompetent hicks intent on taking out the living dead by any means possible. It's a race to see who the real imbeciles are - the constantly growing (and, ironically, declining) number of characters or the zombies who are eating them. Character after character puts his/herself in mind-numbingly stupid situations that result in their equally mind-numbingly idiotic demises. More teenagers show up having yet another drunken Halloween party and are attacked yet again by Hinzman and his horde of dead things. The ending of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD is repeated verbatim and then the credits roll.

Blatantly stealing from the films of Romero and Carpenter, Hinzman's FLESHEATER (REVENGE OF THE LIVING DEAD, ZOMBIE NOSH) is a truly unforgivable offense. The only excuse for its existence one can gather from watching it is that Hinzman desperately wanted an excuse to be able to bite and wallow on nubile naked flesh on film as gallon after gallon of artificial eviscera are tossed about around him. What Hinzman has created is essentially violence as pornography in the most literal sense. That anyone could find it frightening, much less entertaining, is utterly ridiculous.

It's difficult to really comprehend all the bad that this film has to offer. For starters, the scripting by Hinzman is abominable in pretty much every conceivable way. Featuring an inordinate number of scenes stolen form other, better, films, the story for FLESHEATER never ceases to be anything but unoriginal. Dialogue is poorly written, characters nothing but cannon fodder, and plot virtually nonexistent. Performances don't fare much better, with the entire cast proving time and time again that they're better off being eaten than not. Direction, once again provided by Hinzman, is clunky and juvenile - the editing fares about as well. The soundtrack for the film - which more often than not sounds like rejected tracks from Carpenter's own personal library - never seems to stop. Between this and the inane dialogue, the film never takes time to be quiet.

Special effects work ranges from mediocre to simply horrendous throughout the film's running time and, in spite of its plentiful nature, isn't enough to rescue the film as a whole in any way whatsoever. FLESHEATER is substandard to nearly every other zombie film that's come before or since, with such films as Uwe Boll's HOUSE OF THE DEAD [2003] and Bruno Mattei's HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD [1983] being worthy of more praise. The only saving grace of the film is the utterly ridiculous ending. Vince from NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD is back and doing his thing. Two teenagers - obviously human - clamber out of a farmhouse and, in spite of their vociferous cries against, are shot. This reviewer can't help but think that they've suffered much the same fate as the audience in this case - no matter how much you cry for mercy, you're not likely to recieve it for the duration of this film.

To be frank, this is the absolute worst film to be reviewed in the four year history of this site. I made a point not to expect much from this when screening it and recieved still less than could have been expected from it in return. Anyone expecting a recommendation should look elsewhere - even hardcore zombie-holics should steer clear of this incompetent trash. A scene from this is included at the ending of the equally horrible NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD: 30TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION VHS release, only in black and white. That should be warning enough to avoid it. Hinzman should truly be ashamed of himself.