Before I get started there’s something of a confession that needs to be made:

I adore the Paul Rubens-come-man-child Pee-Wee Herman. As a youngster I was an avid viewer of his show (which I had the pleasure of catching more recently when Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim syndicated it briefly) and the Tim Burton directed film that brought him out of L.A.’s Roxy Nightclub and into middle America was, is, and always will be one of my personal favorites. I’ll even go so far as to say that I think he got the shit end of the publicity stick with both the porno-house-sting-operation thing in 1991 and the later child pornography charges made against him (and subsequently dropped) in 2002.

But this hum-drum sequel to 1985’s PEE-WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE is something I simply cannot tolerate.

The story concerns our titular man-child, who has relocated to a backwards farm community since the 1985 film - there, along with his talking pig, Vance, he treats his animals like minor royalty and creates various botanical masterworks like super-grow fertilizers and the prized hot dog tree. It is shown early on that the local yokels have little patience for Pee-Wee and his antics, something that will pose a number of (supposedly) humorous obstacles throughout the course of the film. The one person who seems to not hate his guts is the school teacher fiancee, Winnie, with whom Pee-Wee has a dispassionate egg salad based relationship. Even Winnie isn’t always happy with Pee-Wee - particularly when his mysterious fetish for women’s hair comes to light.

One evening a violent windstorm erupts over the town - Pee-Wee leads all of his animal buddies to the safety of an underground storm shelter. Upon emerging he discovers that a travelling circus has been blown off course by the storm and quite literally dropped onto his property. Pee-Wee is instantly taken with the young Gina Piccolapupula (who’s four brothers comprise the juggling and acrobatic act of the circus), a trapeze artist played by the beautiful Greco-Italian actress Valeria Golino. After being so kindly taken in by their gracious host Pee-Wee, circus leader Mace (Kristofferson) decides that the show must go on and into town they ride . . .

. . . and back out again.

It seems the townspeople hate both Pee-Wee and pretty much anything to do with him - the inexplicable circus included. That doesn’t hold Mace back, however, as he decides to put on the show anyway - and with a Pee-Wee inspired American Farm theme to boot. Gina and Pee-Wee grow closer until one fateful afternoon when Winnie happens upon them kissing near a waterfall - Gina slaps him, thinking him a womanizer, and Winnie promptly ends their engagement. What’s a man-child to do? Failing to get Winnie back (she’s fallen for all four of Gina’s brothers), Pee-Wee ends up convincing Gina that he loves her in a scene that culminates in a disturbingly insinuated sex scene.

Pee-Wee is so happy with the state of his new life that, the next morning, he accidentally mixes up a botched batch of plant food - the result is that his tree’s once robust hot dogs are relegated to the ranks of mere cocktail wieners. The night before the show the townspeople - led by a disgruntled sheriff - show up on the circus’ door and demands that they leave. The penalty for failing to do so is the arrest of Pee-Wee on bogus charges. Pee-Wee takes initiative and saves the circus by feeding the townspeople his cocktail wieners, which quickly turn them into lovable children. The show goes on, Pee-Wee makes an ass of himself, and the film blessedly ends.

The problems with BIG TOP PEE-WEE are wide-ranging and begin with the fact that director Randal Kleiser simply doesn’t have the same disturbingly talented mindset necessary for the material he’s working with. His direction competent in only the basest of fashions - the cameras don’t wobble and everything on screen is easily visible - Kleiser fails to imbue the second theatrical outing Pee-Wee Herman with anything that comes close to the uncompromising whimsy that dominated PEE-WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE. One also gets the feeling that Kleiser, probably best known for his films GREASE (1978) and THE BLUE LAGOON (1980) simply forgot he was supposed to be directing a comedy, as none of the many many comedic setups offered in the film’s over-long 86 minutes work as they should.

Next up in the fault department is the script, sadly handled by Paul Reubens himself (in league with long-time Pee-Wee alumnus George McGrath). While a childish Pee-Wee romance (as seen in the previous film) can be successfully accomplished, the idea of the character involved in a serious relationship of any kind - much less with two women at once - is simply unbelievable. It’s this romantic bent in BIG TOP PEE-WEE that is perhaps the film’s biggest detracting factor - one can’t help but be disturbed for all the wrong reasons during the variety of make-out sessions to be had between Pee-Wee and Gina in the latter half of the film, with the later implied sex being the grotesque topper.

Bizarre characters - a staple of the previous film - are seen here again in good number, though none of them are handled properly and nearly all of them seem quite forced, from the less-than-pint-sized wife of circus leader Mace Montana to Benicio Del Toro as Duke, the dog-faced boy. Other glitches that should have been taken care of early on in scripting include a variety of lewd occurrences (a grandmotherly lady sticking her finger into her mouth to imply that Winnie the schoolteacher is bulimic, for example) and a truly embarrassing sequence in which catch phrases from the previous film (”I know you are but what am I?” etc.) are used as pick-up lines by Pee-Wee when he first meets Gina.

One high point to the proceedings is Danny Elfman’s wonderful score (sadly lacking the infectious theme from the first film) - like the rest of the film, however, Elfman seems more than a little lost, leading to a film that’s over-scored. Scenes that should be emotionally affecting are played up as such by the film’s marvellous soundtrack, but what we see on screen simply fails to deliver.

There’s little about BIG TOP PEE-WEE that visionary director Tim Burton could not have found some way to improve upon - from the listless scenes of Pee-Wee and his girls cloud gazing to the lackluster circus finale, one can only imagine what wonders Burton could have worked. But he didn’t, and that, sadly, is the only truth of the matter. BIG TOP PEE-WEE is a disappointment from beginning to end that offers precious little of reward to those who brave its blessedly brief (but not nearly blessedly enough) running time. $0.44 is what my used VHS of the film cost me when I first set out to write this review - I’m honestly in doubt as to whether or not even that paltry sum was worth it.

Do yourself a favor and seek out PEE-WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE instead - forget this film ever existed.

This film is part of the “Tent of Terror” roundtable: