REVIEW: QUEST FOR THE MIGHTY SWORD
REVIEW: JOE D'AMATO [ 1990 ] 94'
REVIEW: FILMIRAGE S.R.L.
CAST: ERIC ALLEN KRAMER, MARGARET LENZEY
CAST: DONALD O'BRIEN, DINA MORRONE
PERSONAL RATING:
CRITICAL RATING:
WTF-FILMOMETER: BEHOLD THE MIGHTY... OH F'K IT...

"This man has been found guilty of rape... He accepts Prince Ator's sentence."

Joe D'Amato is back once again to direct this, the final cinematic foray into the increasingly confusing saga of Ator. I have to admit that I'm cheating a bit - if one can consider it such - with this review. I've seen QUEST FOR THE MIGHTY SWORD. It's terrible - more terrible than I ever thought possible. So I've decided, for reasons that I can only describe as necessary for the sake of preserving my mental health, to review it before Alfonso Brescia's horribly derivative but amusingly inept IRON WARRIOR - a film that is, pathetically enough, a considerable step up from the one I'm focusing on today.

As stated in my reviews for the first two films of the series - and as will no doubt be stated again when I review the third - Miles O'Keeffe did not, for reasons unknown to me (someone enlighten me), reprise the role of Ator this go around. Instead the unfortunate decision to cast Eric Allen Kramer - none other than Little John himself, of ROBIN HOOD: MEN IN TIGHTS [1993] fame - as the warrior prince was made. Given the shear repugnance of the shooting script it's doubtful that O'Keeffe's inclusion in the project would have made much of a difference in the end product, but the simple sad fact of the matter remains this:

Eric Allen Kramer is tall.

Eric Allen Kramer is strong.

Eric Allen Kramer is goofy.

But Eric Allen Kramer is not Ator, the mighty son of Thoren.

QUEST FOR THE MIGHTY SWORD wastes no time in confusing the hell out of its audience by showing the opening credits over a series of randomly chosen segments of the film itself that serve absolutely no purpose at this point in the narrative. After that we are whisked magically to the grim halls of the domain of Prince Ator - and it just so happens that today is the day of justice and some poor sap is about to get his head handed to himself for the crime mentioned in the first line of the review. Some men in ridiculous hats drag the accused up to the chopping block and Ator gives the signal. Next up are two convicts who have appealed to the Gods, which translates roughly to them being free if they can defeat the divine power of the sword of Grawl (?). Ator accepts their challenge and, after a considerable amount of poorly staged combat, defeats the both of them. The one thing I must give credit to this film for is that the sword itself does look considerably more mighty than those that appear in the first two films - needless to say that's hardly enough to save the film.

Ator makes a speech to his son after the battles are concluded - letting him know (though he hardly seems of age to remember much of anything) that Thorn, an evil nemesis of some kind, will someday return for either the sword or Ator's life and that it's deathly important that the sword remain in the hands of Ator. Right on cue a well armed warrior god in surprisingly decent looking armor appears - Prince Ator recognizes the man as Thorn, not surprisingly back to claim either the sword or Ator's life. Kramer attempts a bit of acting here with, "Before my people, before my own son, I will not dishonor myself by sacrificing my sword!" but falls more than a little flat. Before he can skewer the prince a random warrior-god-chick comes running out of nowhere and starts yelling at Thorn about how he shouldn't kill Ator and blah blah blah. Thankfully for us he does it anyway. Prince Ator is skewered and his sword snapped in two - mighty sword indeed - and Thorn reveals his true form - a small pudgy fellow wearing one of the leftover masks from D'Amato's earlier production of TROLL 2 [also 1990].

DeJanira, the random warrior-god-chick who interrupted the proceedings is, in the meanwhile, running through the woods until she isn't anymore (this is honestly the best way I can describe it). The next shot shows her being brought into a cave full of other warrior-god-chicks to be punished for speaking out against one of the mighty Thorn's decisions. Her sentence involves being imprisoned by fire until someone strong enough to release her comes along - I can't imagine who that might be. The catch is that when she's released the divine powers - apparently those powers that allow her to run and become easily winded - granted to her by Thorn will be taken away from her. Ho hum. Some wacky pyrotechnics ensue and we are soon cast off to another part of the story. On the shore of a lake some place an old woman is talking to the fully grown Ator - who happens to be the exact same person as the previously skewered Ator, the only difference being that he's wearing peasant clothing and a head band - about the sword of Grawl and the fate of his mother. In case the sudden and unannounced appearance of the fully grown Ator hasn't caught you off guard enough, the movie takes this as an opportunity to flashback to the aftermath of the death of the first Ator.

Princess Sunn, little baby Ator in tow, high tails it out of the kingdom and into the forest on the hunt for Grendel – who turns out to be yet another leftover prop from TROLL 2 – so that he can re-forge the sword of sacred Grawl and give it to young Ator when he reaches maturity. To top things off it seems that its against the law for a princess to outlive her prince and Sunn wants Grendel to help her to die. Grendel agrees and mixes up a death potion that Sunn drinks quite willingly. Unfortunately Grendel is quite the little trickster and the potion was just one that made the poor young widow more than a little horny for some goblin lovin' (!!!). A sickening make-out scene begins but is cut short as we are taken back to the elder woman and Ator, the former of which informs the latter that the incident drove his mother mad – no surprise there – and that she's now condemned to walk the earth, humping disgusting creatures (!!!), forever. Ator, understandably miffed by all of this, vows to kill Grendel once the sword is in his possession.

It seems we're not too far from Ator's 18th birthday and Grendel has a little surprise cooked up for him when he arrives home – the sword of sacred Grawl! Or not. Our dimwitted hero's first order of business after getting the sword is to attempt to plunge it into the creepy little fat man's head – but it shatters harmlessly on his skull instead. It seems that Grendel is up to his tricks again which infuriates Ator all the more. The next day, while outside, he catches a glimpse of DeJanira running through the woods and falls instantly in love with her. The elder woman appears – the image was only a trick – and lets Ator know that he's the only one who can save the young warrior goddess from the evil Thorn. Back at home again, Grendel tricks Ator not once but twice - firstly by doing that old sword trick again and, secondly, by tossing a steaming cup of something into the poor bastard's eyes. Ator is locked in the cave while Grendel goes out for the day. Bad move.

While the goblin dude is out, Ator takes to finding the real sword, which is still in two pieces, and forges it back together himself. Grendel arrives back home not expecting a thing and, when Ator appears with the real sword of sacred Grawl, laughingly allows the young warrior to take yet another whack at his repugnant head. This time it works like a charm and the sword hysterically cuts the scheming Grendel in half. Afterwards Ator gets ready for his quest for DeJanira by blatantly ripping off the super-hero-putting-on-his-cool-duds scene from Tim Burton's much better film BATMAN [1989]. Soon he's off and on his first mission from the elder woman – to free the treasure of the West and offer it up to the Gods! The treasure lies in a subterranean cavern and is guarded by a Siamese twin robot (!) and a man in a very poorly constructed and very gooey fire breathing dinosaur suit (!!!). Ator defeats both with little-to-no trouble and is offering up the treasure in no time.

In minutes he's traversed an undisclosed length of terrain and is wandering through yet another cave – this one the prison of DeJanira. Seeing as the gods don't want her out they've taken all the precautions by setting one (1, uno) trap for any ambitious warriors who might happen along. Ator gives the young warrior goddess a kiss, which breaks the spell that she's under and releases her from her prison of green stage lights. Embarrassingly bad dialogue on the part of the young warrior prince is graciously cut short when all stock footage hell breaks lose for what appears to be the last time in the Ator saga. If I'm not mistaken shots from SAMSON AND DELILAH [1949] as well as CLASH OF THE TITANS [1981] are both present here, but I'd have to spend way more time than I'd like double checking between prints to make sure. Needless to say, the special effects footage is not D'Amato's own and is inter cut roughly with stock shots of volcanoes erupting all over the place. This is meant to show DeJanira's prison collapsing and, while it does so pretty unconvincingly, I'll accept it as such for the sake of moving on..

The two escape the stock footage carnage and, after DeJanira nurses Ator's non-existent wounds, the two head off to where all good heroes hang out – a brothel! It isn't long before trouble is brewing – a gambler has lost all of his money but demands to keep playing and offers up his whore as payment to his opponent. When his opponent refuses the angry man draws a sword. Ator gets up and predictably pummels the crap out of him and keeps the brothel manager from taking out his own anger at the events on the prostitute. Laura Gemser randomly shows up dressed in white with lots of shiny plastic things and, just like in the first film of the series, decides that Ator is to be her lover. Ho hum. In an aggravating plot twist, the prostitute from the brothel turns out to be Ator's mother and, after hugging him, she turns into an old lady and dies. Her son prepares the traditional funeral pyre and, with much bad acting, the funeral proceeds as the unwilling gambler from earlier looks on.

Ator and DeJanira head through the marshland home of the evil spirits – spies of the gods – who promptly begin an attack and are just as promptly defeated through the combined, ehem, might of Ator and his girlfriend with the added help of the aforementioned gambler and his boomerang. Meanwhile, somewhere in the world, soldiers are running around with cool theme music behind them. Ator and DeJanira catch up to the gambler, who has just finished what appears to be a giant rat for them all to eat – more poor line recitation ensues and the gambler is invited to journey with the two warriors to the kingdom of the East. He accepts, happily, just before a group of random soldiers hops out of the surrounding bushes, knock over Ator and himself, and kidnap DeJanira. Ator and the unnamed guy with the boomerang, naturally, set off in hot pursuit. DeJanira, in the meanwhile, is dragged into a castle and, after over 50 whole minutes without a sign of them, we are introduced to the guys who will be the chief villains of the film – an evil pimply man (looking more than a little like Peter O'Toole in CALIGULA [1979]) and his stock-costume-from-TROLL-2 sidekick, Hagen. The former seems to spend the majority of his time turning real people into statues – charming. It seems Prince Gunther – the pimply dude – wants DeJanira as his bride. Luckily enough, his sister, Laura Gemser, wants Ator to be her lover well. And so the plans are made to disguise Gemser as DeJanira so that Ator will leave Gunther and his beloved in peace. How could this great plan possibly go wrong?

It isn't long after they leave the castle that Ator begins to suspect that something is amiss – to make matters worse, his gambler buddy, Skiold, has disappeared. Back at the castle DeJanira has tried to escape – everything seems to be going well until she realizes that the opportunity she was given was all a clever trap put together by Hagen. She is confronted by Prince Gunther and his love for her but can only laugh maniacally in response to him – it is after this that he decides that DeJanira will be his next work of art. Gemser reveals herself to Ator, who reacts unkindly – Skiold reappears and keeps the unruly warrior from butchering her, thus allowing her the time to run away. The two then make their way to the castle, save DeJanira just as she's about to be dipped in boiling hot lacquer, and Gunther and his sidekick commit suicide by lowering themselves in instead. Laura Gemser returns to her rightful place in the castle, Ator and DeJanira run away in love, and a random shot of yet another stock-costume-from-TROLL-2 greets us as the end credits begin to roll.

First off, the good.

. . .

Now that we've covered that, on to the bad. First off – Eric Allen Kramer simply does not fit the part of the barbarian warrior he's supposed to be portraying. Whereas Miles O'Keeffe was, if nothing else, in excellent physical condition when playing the role in the previous films, Kramer just comes off looking pale, soft, and ridiculous in comparison. His costuming doesn't help, as he's stuck wearing leather hot-pants for a good portion of the film, nor does his performance, though it can never be said that O'Keeffe was a master of the theater either. If Kramer was bad then its safe to say that every single other solitary being involved with the film was worse. Margaret Lenzey never goes beyond simply reciting her lines and the rest of the cast fairs about as well. The only semi-decent example of acting is given by O'Brien in the part of Prince Gunther – he manages to convince us that he's patently insane but the film's scripting never once makes us think of him as being dangerous.

As for the script, provided by D'Amato himself, it has all the absurdity present in his previous two Ator films but none of the fun. Dialogue is horribly written and just as horrifically delivered and honestly rivals the complete and utter ineptitude on display in the D'Amato produced and Fragasso directed TROLL 2. The direction this go around is also a step down from the previous films – believe it or not – with most of the shots taking place in dreary marshlands and dimly lit interiors that give the entire production a dirty feeling that never goes away. Props, in much the same fashion as the first two films, are recycled ad nauseum. The special effects are worse than could be expected, if you can imagine, with the Siamese twin robot and subsequent gooey fire-breathing dinosaur being particularly terrible. Present once again is Carlos Maria Cordio, who ties the main theme of this film loosely to that of the first to, I assume, offer a bit more continuity between the individual films. Sadly, his score this go around is one of his most gratingly aggravating to hear and only serves to make the film more obnoxiously unnecessary than it was before.

So with this the mighty saga of Ator comes to a dreary close. The biggest shame is that this film, directed by the same man who gave us the immensely entertaining – if admittedly awful – first two films of the series, is that it never for a moment feels like it belongs in the series at all. What we have is a repugnant appendix to a series of films that, by all right, should have ended with the destruction of the geometric nucleus in THE BLADE MASTER [1982]. QUEST FOR THE MIGHTY SWORD went nowhere at the box office, not surprisingly, and hasn't lived a terribly good life on video either. All the better as far as I see it - this is a horrendous bit of movie-making and a pale imitation of the films that transpired before it. If you're thinking about watching it then I suggest poking your eyes out beforehand so that you can save yourself the trouble of being tempted to do so as the film plays. It's a pathetic end to the series to be sure – go and watch the first two films again instead.